Journey to the Center of the Old Guy

"Captain Artichoke? Captain? Are you here? I'd heard that you've returned, and I need to speak to you on a matter of some urgency...."

The sun's been up for less than an hour; Hidimba isn't expected to arrive for some time yet. Agenbite is sleeping somewhere below the bar, his snore sounding like something feral, and the usual collection of drunks is scattered about, drawing flies.

The aged Brother Jort, priest of Yugg, stands in the common room. Unhappiness, warring with nausea, is plain upon his face. He leans more heavily than normal upon his silver trident, the tines of which are flickering with white flame.

Emerging from the cellars, Yatagan says, with some irritation, "Didn't you want to eat one of my gods? What do you want? We're busy preparing for a spiritual journey."

The Dragonborn makes no attempt to hide the bottle of Pernod in one hand nor the brightly-colored rocket in the other.

Artichoke, heading down the stairs, says, "Please, Yatagan, be courteous to the gentleman. And please don't get that rocket near the trident."

He turns and smiles pleasantly at the priest, but there's a faint wariness in his eyes. "Greetings, Brother Jort. How may I help you? And, actually, could you turn off your trident? It would be safer for everyone here, I think."

shilsen wrote:

"Please, Yatagan, be courteous to the gentleman."

"You'd feel differently if he asked to eat something important to you. Maybe pickle your tongue or scoop out your brains for porridge... assuming you do care about your chin-wagger and the organ that drives it."

Yatagan falls silent, but eyes Brother Jort with a mix peevishness and menace.

Jort winces at Yatigan's words, and takes a nervous step backwards.

"I do apologize for this," he says heavily, "But Yugg -- may the tines of His fork remain ever sharp! -- ordered me here, for reasons He has chosen not to share. I'm certain that it's nothing of...."

Jort's mouth snaps suddenly shut, as he draws himself fully erect from his customarily bent posture. The trident flares with brilliant blue-white flames, as do his eyes. The nervous expression vanishes, replaced with a scowl, and when he smacks the butt of the trident down upon the floorboards the entire building shakes with the force of the impact.

He begins to speak, in a booming (and yet, petulant) voice entirely unlike his own.

"And the chosen of Yugg came unto the heathens, and said to them, 'Give to me the little god, that I might consume it for the greater glory of Yugg, and you shall receive His favor, and his blessing, and a fine meal besides.'

"But the heathen did refuse Yugg, and He grew wroth.

"One of the heathens placed the little god deep within his own trousers, and Yugg did lose his appetite entire for a time.

"A second god arose from the waters, and the heathens did take it in and house it, and dwell amongst its filth without complaint. And Yugg looked upon this god, and remembered how much He did enjoy pork, with a light fruit glaze, served upon a bed of wild rice and fresh, crisp garden vegetables, and Yugg's divine mouth did water at the thought.

"And so Yugg sent forth his chosen servant once more, to convey the will of Yugg unto the heathens. 'Give to me the porcine god, that I might consume if for the greater glory of Yugg, and perhaps in his gratitude He will not place upon your heads the three-fold curse of Yugg.' And the chosen one did await the answer of the heathens."

Brother Jort, or whatever it is that is speaking through him, pauses expectantly. His expression is stern, but largely serene...except for his left eye, which keeps twitching, and the thin strand of saliva depending from the side of his mouth.

Yatagan, not knowing Penelope's current position, cries out in unfeigned alarm "Jort, take cover now!"

Lizzy stumbles in muttering, "fucking gods."

Mallus wrote:

Yatagan, not knowing Penelope's current position, cries out in unfeigned alarm "Jort, take cover now!"

Artichoke, having had precisely the same thought*, instantly assumes that Yatagan has spotted Penelope and drops to a knee, grabbing at his shield and frantically covering his head as he looks behind him.

After finding the stairs empty, Artichoke looks around frantically and then, only when certain that the archer is not around, does he rise, gathering what dignity he can. "Damnit, Yatagan!" he says peevishly, "Don't do that!" He hesitates and then, in the interests of fairness, adds, "Well, unless it's absolutely necessary and ... um, Penelope is in the room."

With that said, he quickly heads down the steps and up to Jort. "Listen, Jo... Brother Jort, I understand that Yugg is, er, hungry and I'm sorry to disappoint him, but we really can't just hand over Treasure as a meal." Especially since I'm not totally sure that she's not divine now. "She's quite a popular pi... deity right now, and it would cause some serious unrest." He looks around, again ensuring that Penelope is not nearby. "We've got some really nice pork buns, however."

* As did his player just when Scott posted

OOC: I think for the PCs sake, and also because I have no time to post, Penelope is currently in her room, meticulously picking cat hair off her many burqhas.

Odanais Dare springs suddenly upward from the bar he passed out upon after last night's travels, smooths down his beard with the back of his leather glove in a not completely uncatlike manner, and then leaps down to the floor.

"Great Yugg, in the sky, or in this lad, or wherever you happen to reside, allow me to introduce myself to you and your vessel. My name is Pope Odanais Dare, the founder and divine prophet of the Church of Treasure." He smiles widely, if not a tad too carnivorously. "Now, I must tell you something and tell it to you truthfully, for I can see that you are a god... or goddess... or godthing... who takes his sacred verbosity seriously. And what I have to tell you is this: I have many loves in my love, but none moreso than Theophagy!"

He steps very close to Brother Jort, seemingly unworried about the white hot flame that surrounds him.

"Oh yes, my friend, I'm a god-eating man from way back. Ate two gods in one sitting, did I! Small gods of even smaller things, of course, but tasty as all get out! I've eaten gods both great and small, and let me tell you this, I have come to your... plane of existence... for the most singular theophagistic ecstasy ever known and it's one that I insist you join me for."

Ignoring the looks of horror from his new teammates, Odanais rubs his stomach and rolls his eyes in anticipatory delight. "I speak not of Treasure, her divine self. For it is written, that when great Treasure is finally eaten, it will be the end of all things, even gods, even the very act of eating itself will be undone by her eating. But is it not also written... And the divine pig shall birth a holy litter... each as beautiful and divine as they are perfectly delicious... and each that eat of them them shall know eternal satiation!"

Pausing momentarily to let that sink in, he continues in an even more boombastic voice, "And that is why I have come to this sweet world, to bring forth this Great Meal of the Suckling Saviors! Will you, Great Yugg, join me in the delirious waiting for that culinary nativity and accept my invitation to that inevitable meal?"

Bluff check: 23

The member 'gridley' has done the following action : Dice Roller

'd20' : 11

The priests body rises a few inches off the floor, and slowly rotates to face Yatigan.

"The chosen of Yugg," he snaps, "Speaks not. You have been blessed to hear the Voice of Yugg."

It pauses for a moment.

"Obeisance is customary at such a declaration," it explains sourly.

gridley wrote:

"And that is why I have come to this sweet world, to bring forth this Great Meal of the Suckling Saviors! Will you, Great Yugg, join me in delirious waiting and accept my invitation to that inevitable meal?"

"Sucking godling? Truly?" The Voice of Yugg seems overwhelmed by the very thought -- it staggers backwards, stepping back onto the ground, and only the trident keeps it up standing upright.

"It's been so very long," it whispers. "And I am so very hungry...."

It snaps its head around, focusing on Odanais with a gaze of truly disturbing intensity. "When? When shall this feast be served? And can I bring anything? A bottle of wine, perhaps?"

gridley wrote:

Pausing momentarily to let that sink in, he continues in an even more boombastic voice, "And that is why I have come to this sweet world, to bring forth this Great Meal of the Suckling Saviors! Will you, Great Yugg, join me in the delirious waiting for that culinary nativity and accept my invitation to that inevitable meal?"

Rolzup wrote:

It snaps its head around, focusing on Odanais with a gaze of truly disturbing intensity. "When? When shall this feast be served? And can I bring anything? A bottle of wine, perhaps?"

Artichoke quietly takes a step back, ceding the floor to Odanais. The new Odanais, as he reminds himself, before adding mentally, This one certainly has a way with words. If his magic is anywhere near as effective, he'll be useful to have around, and we could use someone smart around here. Then Artichoke thinks back to the contingency plans he has started putting together in case their visitor from another world becomes a problem. Hopefully not too smart.

Oh he's good thinks Yatagan as he watches the new Odanais flim-flam the incarnation of Yugg.

"We do not know when the Miracle Pig will produce the Salvific Litter" says Yatagan to Odanais's back, with a bowed head, in reassuringly deferential tones.

Diplomacy: 20

The member 'Mallus' has done the following action : Dice Roller

'd20' : 6

Rolzup wrote:

"Sucking godling? Truly?" The Voice of Yugg seems overwhelmed by the very thought -- it staggers backwards, stepping back onto the ground, and only the trident keeps it up standing upright.

"Indeed, sire."

Rolzup wrote:

"It's been so very long," it whispers. "And I am so very hungry...."

It snaps its head around, focusing on Odanais with a gaze of truly disturbing intensity. "When? When shall this feast be served? And can I bring anything? A bottle of wine, perhaps?"

Mallus wrote:

"We do not know when the Miracle Pig will produce the Salvific Litter" says Yatagan to Odanais's back, with a bowed head, in reassuringly deferential tones.

"Indeed. Treasure has shown to me a vision of the feast, to be held at our new home in the former Hidamba Estate. But alas, she has not yet revealed the miraculous date itself for, as it is written "none shall hear that celestial ticking of her great porcine uterine clock until the hour of the blessed squealing is at last upon us. For who could concentrate on living the empty days between, if they knew the exact moment of that delicious completion of their lifelong hunger." I will be certain, however, to make you informed immediately upon that day."

Odanais presses his hands to his chest as though momentarily overcome with sheer delight at the thought.

"Oh, and a bottle of wine would be lovely," he says, batting his eyelashes. "Perhaps a fruity little pinot noir?"

gridley wrote:

"Oh, and a bottle of wine would be lovely," he says, batting his eyelashes. "Perhaps a fruity little pinot noir?"

"I know just the stuff," the Voice of Yugg responds happily, "An excellent vintage, approaching it's second century, from the vinyards of Penultima Thule.

"Very well, then. Yugg can be patient, for a space. When the time is right, do not delay even a moment in sending news. For Yugg grows wrathful when hungry, and His Threefold Curse is terrible indeed.

"So mote it be."

The stench which fills the room vanishes, replaced by the smell of roasting pork, as Jort's body sags towards the floor...only to be caught by a barely visible radiance which pulls him back to his feet. The old man pats his chest, evidently surprised to discover that there are no arrows sprouting from it, and assays a tentative smile. "Things went well, then?"

"The delusions people put themselves through just to avoid reality," Lizzy mutters. "Gods indeed! Someday you all will wake up. In the meantime, what's for breakfast?"

Rolzup wrote:

The stench which fills the room vanishes, replaced by the smell of roasting pork, as Jort's body sags towards the floor...only to be caught by a barely visible radiance which pulls him back to his feet. The old man pats his chest, evidently surprised to discover that there are no arrows sprouting from it, and assays a tentative smile. "Things went well, then?"

"You tell me, friend Jort," says Odanais, breathing deeply of the roast pork mirage. "Be that a happy smell you're smelling or a sad one?"

Then flashing a friendly half smile and turning to find a bottle of breakfast from the bar. "You're free to go, friend. We'll be in touch."

Note to self: acquire fireworks worthy of a god. Next, stuff them in Yugg's corpse. Third, ignite in the names of the Miracle Pig and the Codpiece God thinks Yatagan.

"Farewell Brother Jort. And be careful with our door. Don't let it hit you in the rump roast on your way out" says Yatagan in a friendly voice, channeling a dead empire's worth of politesse.

"Nothing I need to know, then?" Jort asks plaintively on his way out the door. "No table to prepare, or anything of the sort? Well, do keep me apprised of the situation!"

OOC: I did respond to Odanais's search for info in the previous thread, in case anyone missed it.

Rolzup wrote:

"Nothing I need to know, then?" Jort asks plaintively on his way out the door. "No table to prepare, or anything of the sort? Well, do keep me apprised of the situation!"

"Certainly," says Artichoke, before handing the old priest a pork bun. "One for the road."

Once Jort has departed, he turns to Odanais with a smile. "Very well done, Mr. Dare. Clearly you are very good at spinning stories on the spot. Very good." The slight emphasis is obvious.

Artichoke then turns to the others. "Speaking of food, however, we should make sure everyone has a good breakfast, and carry some provisions just in case. I have no intention of staying in Hidimba's mind any longer than we need to, but I have no idea how long that will be."

After the Brother Jort leaves the High Sty of the Church of Treasure, Yatagan says "Now where were we? Oh yes, the infestation in the head. I've got the spirits of the dead covered. Is there anything that would help us against the demons and devils, aside from sharp blades, faith, and explosives?"

Mallus wrote:

After the Brother Jort leaves the High Sty of the Church of Treasure, Yatagan says "Now where were we? Oh yes, the infestation in the head. I've got the spirits of the dead covered. Is there anything that would help us against the demons and devils, aside from sharp blades, faith, and explosives?"

"Sharp blades, faith and explosives? I can't think of anything right now which would be more helpful than your list. But we'll find out soon enough, I guess." Artichoke pulls up a chair and settles down to breakfast, wondering when Hidimba will show up. This will be the strangest thing I ever got involved with, but getting that estate will make it all worthwhile.