The Wrong Pig

While Vox did some investigating into the current whereabouts of Z'roa Pesach's other purported fiance, the Viscount Zerris Yarn, and Lizzy labored to unionize the wage slaves of the City of Brass, the trio of Fagin, Chakram, and Yatagan made an appearance at the Festival.

They observed the judges: Lord Mayor Mammon (who has made it quite clear that his vote is for sale), Lord Graz'zt (whose personal dwarf, a Dueger named Misquamacas, has submitted an entry into the contest: Conroy), Lord Jubilex (a massive slime demon, also known as the Faceless Lord of Phlegothos), Lord Demogorgon (who seems somewhat mesmerized by the god Conroy), and Duchess Balphaagor (a slinky succubus with a taste for Dragonborn machinery).

They observed the gods: Yehov (a large human with flowing rob and a long white beard, who has been displayed for the past few years in the Grand Circus), Feelrond Felagood (a surly unicorn formerly worshiped by a tribe of wood elves), Illuyankas (a dragon found digging in the ruins of Pandemonium, who tells Yatagan that he a sort of angelic messenger sent to prepare the way for Yatagan), the faux Lady Kommarel (who Fagin fed more drugs to), Conroy (a floating, spinning, burning wheel within a floating, spinning, burning wheel), and Kamapua (a pig god, with large tusks, who washed up on the beaches of Dis with a long wooden board during the festival last year).

The pig god Kamapua surprised the trio by asking them, "Where is Paetros?" and commanding them to "Bring him to me."

Chakram worked the crowd, learning that most people favored sacrificing either Illuyankas or Feelrond Felagood, mostly out of racism towards the Dragonborn and Elves presumed to worship them. Yatagan made a magnificent speech imploring the crowds to re-direct their hatred for all things Elvish to the golden goddess of the Eladrin while Fagin spread incredibly seductive and virulent lies about Feelrond Felagood and the nature of his horn. Not only were the crowds completely moved, so were the judges, who eliminated the foul-mouthed unicorn from the competition.

The standings for this round in order of votes: Illuyankas, Conroy, Lady Kommarel, Yehov, Kamapua with Feelrond Felagood, in last place, being eliminated.

The next round will begin at 10:00 tomorrow morning and there will be opportunity once again to speak to the gods and/or attempt to manipulate the results.

Intrigued by its ability to shit rainbows, Fagin haggled with Feelrond Felagood's owner but failed to come to a satisfactory price for the unicorn.

Moved perhaps by Yatagan's oration, the Duchess Baalphagor invited the trio for cocktails in her garden. They learned a bit more of her love for all things Dragonborn and attempted to convince her that Illuyankas was in fact not a god. Seeing she was not as moved as she had been earlier, Yatagan rashly promised that he was on the verge of recovering a vast storehouse of Dragonborn gadgets, even implying that it was the lost floating city of Taska-grasann-gue he was speaking of). This pledge intrigued her and they left somewhat satisfied that they had her vote. Afterword, Chakram did some digging and discovered that Illuyankas was submitted by the Duchess Baalphagor's brother-in-law).

And there was a somewhat disappointing meeting in an S&M club with a low level member of the Cult of Beautiful Pain, who lied badly about being able to sell them the city-moving ritual. Even an ample dose of Fagin's nasty old man sex failed to achieve much more than a "Don't call us, we're call you" from the diminutive Tiefling.

Night has now fallen and Vox has returned with no solid leads as to where the Viscount is hiding out. The trio inform Vox, and his special guest soul Paetros, about the demands of Kamapua, along with the troubling news that the pig god may be kicked out of the contest tomorrow, after which it is uncertain what will become of it.

Lizzy and Pogsley will no doubt pop up when everyone least expects it.

gridley wrote:

The pig god Kamapua surprised the trio by asking them, "Where is Paetros?" and commanding them to "Bring him to me."

Now I feel even worse about not being there!

gridley wrote:

Even an ample dose of Fagin's nasty old man sex failed to achieve much more than a "Don't call us, we're call you" from the diminutive Tiefling.

...but then again, it was probably for the best.

gridley wrote:

Night has now fallen and Vox has returned with no solid leads as to where the Viscount is hiding out. The trio inform Vox, and his special guest soul Paetros, about the demands of Kamapua, along with the troubling news that the pig god may be kicked out of the contest tomorrow, after which it is uncertain what will become of it.

Vox suffers from a brief and literal internal struggle before producing a newly purchased flask and knocking back a long swig of Daemon Rum. "Fine," he says hoarsely, "Fine. Go ahead and have your say, you damned parasite."

"Not-Quite-Dead-Man is not being properly grateful for blessing have been receiving," Vox continues in a new voice. "Should be for beings thankful for chance for redemptioning! Chances is not for coming along often! So! Must go to Boar God! Is possibility of making match, yes? Could be seeings litter of divine piglets! We go now, not waste time! If need be, must be for planning rescuings of Boar God!

"Could be chance of caper," he adds, in a tone of delight. "Always wantings to be involved in caper! Is much exciting, yes!"

"Yes indeed," Vox says wearily, in his normal voice. "Absolutely no chance of something horrible happening. I suppose that I'm just drunk enough for this; can we get in to see this Kamapua now? Or do I need to sneak in?"

Rolzup wrote:

"Yes indeed," Vox says wearily, in his normal voice. "Absolutely no chance of something horrible happening. I suppose that I'm just drunk enough for this; can we get in to see this Kamapua now? Or do I need to sneak in?"

ooc: There will be time to speak to Kampua tomorrow morning during the judging. If you wish to speak to him prior to that, you would to be sneaky.

gridley wrote:

Rolzup wrote:

"Yes indeed," Vox says wearily, in his normal voice. "Absolutely no chance of something horrible happening. I suppose that I'm just drunk enough for this; can we get in to see this Kamapua now? Or do I need to sneak in?"

ooc: There will be time to speak to Kampua tomorrow morning during the judging. If you wish to speak to him prior to that, you would to be sneaky.

"Is for being most excellent news! No am for doings of researches! Will consult with the Seven and A Half Celestial Sages, as they is being owing Pætros a favor!"

Vox consents with somewhat less than his usual reluctance; magics, even those worked by someone as annoying as Pætros, have a particular interest for him. He balks a little when he discovers how many times he will need to knock his forehead on the floor, but eventually consents.

OOC: Cast the ritual "Consult Mystic Sages"

You ask a single question of mysterious, extraplanar presences about matters beyond your ken. Make a Religion check with a +10 bonus instead of an Arcana or a History check to uncover a clue, remember a bit of lore, or otherwise gain information about the world around you.
The ritual grants you a single piece of information. That information can take the form of a word, a name, a phrase, or even a brief story, depending on what exactly you’re looking for. You can learn the name of the usurper who ended the Katerran Dynasty a thousand years ago, the burial rites of the Crimson Wolf clan, or the weaknesses of the shadow assassins who have been dogging your steps.
The ritual can’t uncover information beyond the ken of the most learned sages. It’s of no use if you’re trying to find the magic word that unlocks the vampire’s crypt, because only the vampire knows the word. Nor can the ritual tell you definitively where great stores of treasure are, but the mystic sages could tell you where a specific empress kept her treasury in ancient times or whether the treasure was looted when her empire fell.

...to learn anything he can about Kampua. And a grand total of 28, blast it.

The member 'Rolzup' has done the following action : Dice Roller

'd20' : 5

Rolzup wrote:

"Is for being most excellent news! No am for doings of researches! Will consult with the Seven and A Half Celestial Sages, as they is being owing Pætros a favor!"

Vox consents with somewhat less than his usual reluctance; magics, even those worked by someone as annoying as Pætros, have a particular interest for him. He balks a little when he discovers how many times he will need to knock his forehead on the floor, but eventually consents.

Vox hears a multitude of voices whispering in his ears, sometimes speaking to each other, other times all at once, overlapping, and all becoming softer and softer until they fade away altogether.

They say:

Kamapua was the god of my world.
But your world was destroyed!
Yes, washed away and drowned, lost in the flood.
But Kamapua found the long board.
The long, long board...
Board doesn't matter! Only the ride matters!
Planted his hooves upon the board and rode the big wave that drowned the world.
Rode that wave forever...
Across sea after sea, world after world.
Big wave ended where all world waves end.
In the final sea.
We call it the Aster Sea!
Big wave finally broke...
Over a reef of devil's coral.
Onto the shore of Nessus.
Into the clutches of hungry demons.
Paetros!
Our debt is repaid...

OOC: You magnificent bastard....

Vox writes as quickly as he can, resigned to the fact that it's little more than gibberish to him.

"Is lost god," Pætros declares confidently, seizing control of Vox's voicebox once again. "Is lonely, doubtless, and in needings of divine companionship. Must be making of plan to be obtaining Kamapua once has lost, else will probably be eaten. Can steal, yes, Not-Quite-Dead-Man?"

"No!"

"Or purchasings, maybe? Old Devil-Man, you is to be good at making bargains, is well known, can be for brokering sale?"

Rolzup wrote:

OOC: You magnificent bastard....

That's why we love our little Stevie

Quote :

Vox writes as quickly as he can, resigned to the fact that it's little more than gibberish to him.

"Is lost god," Pætros declares confidently, seizing control of Vox's voicebox once again. "Is lonely, doubtless, and in needings of divine companionship. Must be making of plan to be obtaining Kamapua once has lost, else will probably be eaten. Can steal, yes, Not-Quite-Dead-Man?"

"No!"

"Or purchasings, maybe? Old Devil-Man, you is to be good at making bargains, is well known, can be for brokering sale?"

Chakram, who has been listening and watching intently, interrupts, "So let me get this straight. You guys worship a pig? Well, other things too," she says glancing at Yatagan, who is the source of almost every piece of information that she has garnered from the adventurers, "But in this case a pig. Only it turns out that pig maybe isn't divine and you made a mistake in finding it instead of Kampua. And by you I mean the guy riding around in your head. Is that right?" Before anyone can answer, she laughs. "And if it is - why do you people not charge admission to watch you guys?!"

shilsen wrote:

"And if it is - why do you people not charge admission to watch you guys?!"

"We did! At least once, when all starred in a hit play! It was about our pig-goddess."

gridley wrote:

But Kamapua found the long board.
The long, long board...
Board doesn't matter! Only the ride matters!

OOC: BTW... nice job giving dignity and a kind of beauty to the ridiculous. That's the soul of D&D. And possibly literature, but don't quote me on that.

shilsen wrote:

Chakram, who has been listening and watching intently, interrupts, "So let me get this straight. You guys worship a pig? Well, other things too," she says glancing at Yatagan, who is the source of almost every piece of information that she has garnered from the adventurers, "But in this case a pig. Only it turns out that pig maybe isn't divine and you made a mistake in finding it instead of Kampua. And by you I mean the guy riding around in your head. Is that right?" Before anyone can answer, she laughs. "And if it is - why do you people not charge admission to watch you guys?!"

"Glorious Treasure of the Heavens is most certainly for being Divine," XoxPætros objects. "Is being no question; many miracles, inspiring faithful, and collection plates of bountiful fullness! But is SECOND pig! Start of dynasty, of Porcine Pantheon! Will be glorious!"

Rolzup wrote:

"Glorious Treasure of the Heavens is most certainly for being Divine," XoxPætros objects. "Is being no question; many miracles, inspiring faithful, and collection plates of bountiful fullness! But is SECOND pig! Start of dynasty, of Porcine Pantheon! Will be glorious!"

Chakram lifts an eyebrow at VoxPaetros' enthusiastic response. "Quite," she grins, and then adds, "I hope, for your sake, that Kamapua is on, ahem, board with that. I guess we'll find out tomorrow when we meet the gods again. Should we get some rest or did you all have anything else planned for today?"

Quote :

But Kamapua found the long board.
The long, long board...
Board doesn't matter! Only the ride matters!

BTW, what's the reference here? I know that I know it but I'm damned if I can recall which one it is.

Mallus wrote:

"We did! At least once, when all starred in a hit play! It was about our pig-goddess."

"I remember it well," Fagin says, wistfully, fingering his purse. "It was a wonderful distraction. I didn't lose a single urchin, and the proceeds kept me in frilly underthings for a month!" He stares off into space, reminiscing.

"Yes, I can broker a deal for your new pig-god. Though it would be a Sin before the G-LD for it to be a fair deal. For the two greatest commandments in Deutusury are 'Thou shalt not not steal' and 'Thou shall not not bear false witness against thy neighbor.'"

"That, and 'Thou shalt not boil an orphan in its mother's milk.'" Fagin sighs. "I always have such trouble keeping that commandment!"

Rolzup wrote:

But is SECOND pig! Start of dynasty, of Porcine Pantheon! Will be glorious!"

"Clearly it is our destiny, for the time being, to make this so" Yatagan intones solemnly. "It seems Kamapua is not likely to advance much farther, given the stiff competition from the dragon, Kommeral, and that wonderful spinning burning wheel. Oh how it spins and burns... spins and... ahem, so perhaps we best direct our efforts to finding out as much about Kamapua's patron as we can, so as to sharpen our bargaining with them."

"Also, I should like to talk to the dragon ere the next round. Can any of you suggest a means to do so? I am made for bombast, not stealth. Though thanks to my armor's cunning enchantments, I can affect a most believable disguise."

To demonstrate this, Yatagan transforms his gleaming plate mail into a black terrycloth bathrobe adorned with flames.

Atlatl Jones wrote:

"Yes, I can broker a deal for your new pig-god. Though it would be a Sin before the G-LD for it to be a fair deal. For the two greatest commandments in Deutusury are 'Thou shalt not not steal' and 'Thou shall not not bear false witness against thy neighbor.'"

"But not too fair, yes? Is holy writ, 'Render not unto the sucker an even break', yes?"

Mallus wrote:

"Also, I should like to talk to the dragon ere the next round. Can any of you suggest a means to do so? I am made for bombast, not stealth. Though thanks to my armor's cunning enchantments, I can affect a most believable disguise."

To demonstrate this, Yatagan transforms his gleaming plate mail into a black terrycloth bathrobe adorned with flames.

Vox sighs. "I can turn you into a shadow, briefly -- it won't change your appearance, but will allow you to squeeze through small areas. Can be helpful, for sneaking purposes. Only lasts for a few minutes, though. Alternatively, I could send a dead animal bearing a message to speak to this dragon. Couldn't bring a reply, though. Any reason you couldn't just petition for an audience?"

Rolzup wrote:

Vox sighs. "I can turn you into a shadow, briefly -- it won't change your appearance, but will allow you to squeeze through small areas.

"Splendid! I haven't had the pleasure of squeezing through small areas since I was a hatchling."

Rolzup wrote:

Alternatively, I could send a dead animal bearing a message to speak to this dragon.

"How delightfully macabre!"

Rolzup wrote:

Any reason you couldn't just petition for an audience?"

"Err, no. Pardon me, I have a petition to pen."

OOC: Yatagan will dictate the petition because his penmanship is shit. In it, he asks the "cruel, mighty, and old-man sexy" lords of the tourney for permission to meet with Illuyankas so he can perform Draconic last rites. He mentions Draconic last rites increase the suffering of the decedent 10-fold by guaranteeing the Dragon Within burns the victims soul to ashes as it departs the body. Diplomacy: 28 (30 if Chakram's around)

(and a roll)

The member 'Mallus' has done the following action : Dice Roller

'd20' : 4

Rolzup wrote:

OOC: Vox will volunteer Dexter's services for this; adding a few rhetorical flourishes of its own in the process will easily function as Aid Another (with a +13 skill, no need to roll).

OOC: now we know who Yatagan is dictating the letter to!

Fagin will also help, to add in some hellish literary expressions, and make sure that the letter obeys all the diplomatic nastyties of the Infernal Isles. (I wouldn't think that Hell has niceties.)

No need to roll, with his bonus.

Rolzup wrote:

OOC: You magnificent bastard....

shilsen wrote:

That's why we love our little Stevie 8)

Mallus wrote:

OOC: BTW... nice job giving dignity and a kind of beauty to the ridiculous. That's the soul of D&D. And possibly literature, but don't quote me on that.

ooc: Thanks, fellas!

shilsen wrote:

BTW, what's the reference here? I know that I know it but I'm damned if I can recall which one it is.

ooc: None that I was conscious of.

Mallus wrote:

OOC: Yatagan will dictate the petition because his penmanship is shit. In it, he asks the "cruel, mighty, and old-man sexy" lords of the tourney for permission to meet with Illuyankas so he can perform Draconic last rites. He mentions Draconic last rites increase the suffering of the decedent 10-fold by guaranteeing the Dragon Within burns the victims soul to ashes as it departs the body. Diplomacy: 28 (30 if Chakram's around)

As he carefully scribbles down all of Yatagan's florid words, along with Fagin and Chakram's frequent corrections, Dexter thinks back to his youth and the many awards he won for his penmanship... once he got rid of that prissy other hand! Confident in his epistolary talent, he can't help making a few improvements of his own to Yatagan's letter, including a small quote from the autobiography of Emperor Orcus and forged religious credentials for the Dragonborn.

One of Countess Jael's servants delivers the message. Five or six hours later, a message arrives from the festival head honcho Aedile Kinzaant. It invites Reverend Fracas to conduct whatever pagan ritual he requires directly after judging tomorrow. Kinzaant promises him twenty minutes of access. A postscript reads: "I commend you on your marvelous chirography."

Atlatl Jones wrote:

Fagin will also help, to add in some hellish literary expressions, and make sure that the letter obeys all the diplomatic nastyties of the Infernal Isles. (I wouldn't think that Hell has niceties.)

No need to roll, with his bonus.

Chakram can do so as well, also succeeding automatically.

ooc: So, assuming you fill the rest of the night only with sleep....

You return to Tophet Square in the morning. The vast park is filled with Tieflings and the occasional demon, even more than yesterday. The cages of gods have been erected, one fewer than yesterday. There is a reviewing promenade in front of the cages for important dignitaries and... your fine selves. The judges sit on a large raised platform on the opposite side of the promenade, surrounded by large and vicious-looking guards. As before, you are free to interact briefly with the gods before moving promptly along to make room for those behind you. A few in the crowd point to Yatagan and chatter about yesterday's speech.

Having resigned himself to the situation, Vox dresses in his best (if still rather shabby) finery, brusquely rejecting Pætros' entreaties to at least acquire a decent hat. "I like this hat," he snaps.

At least to be putting fathers in it! And to be setting feathers afire!

"Fuck off."

At Tophet square, Vox pulls himself up to his full height, and strides directly towards Kamapua, cloak flowing dramatically behind him. He removes his hat, revealing his thinning hair, bows deeply, and quickly replaces the hat.

"I am Vox," he says grandly. "I carry Pætros within me."

"Indeed! And is very much honored for being doing so, yes? Yes! Am for being muchly pleased to be be meeting you, Kamapua! Have heard tale of you, and of mighty board. Am assuming to be wishing to propose marriage to Glorious Treasure of Heavens? Pætros will be delighted to be accepting on Her behalf."