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 The Best Laid Plans

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gridley

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PostSubject: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:22 pm

The Unforbidden carries you back to Brass with just enough time to catch a couple hours sleep before the contest begins again. Stowed safely below deck, Kamapua tends to the mutilated child souls with surprising sweetness.

When you arrive at the festival, the crowd is wildly murmuring and gossiping.

"I heard someone killed and ate him!"
"I heard he transubstantiated. Whatever that means..."
"I heard he was just plain stolen!"

Standing on the stage are three cages: Two smaller ones containing the flaming, spinning Conroy and the faux Lady Kommarel. And the enormous one which once contained the melek Illuyankas, but now holds only only a scattering of scales vaguely piled in the shape of a dragon.

As you approach, a Duergar in a fine gray suit steps up onto the stage. From the back of the crowd, two figures quite familiar to Yatagan begin to chant, "Misquamacas! Misquamacas!" Slowly, the chant catches on and the whole crowd is shouting the dark dwarf's name.

"As the festival organizer has just explained," says Misquamacas in a rich, deep baritone, "one of the entries in the contest is missing! But I am here to tell you, that there is no mystery to this matter!"

The chant drops to a whisper as the crowd moves closer to hear more.

"Some of you may have heard that last night, that loudmouth Dragonborn paladin Yatagan Fracas, who has made such a display right here on this very stage, brazenly stole the pig god Kamapua from his rightful owner Suweeginus even as paying customers were sitting down to eat it. We know not what he did with the stolen god, but there are witnesses aplenty to the crime."

The crowd gasps. One fat Tiefling man cries out, "And my mama and I was going to eat that pig!"

"And you likely know that Yatagan and his criminal associates have boasted of stealing their entry to this contest from the Eladrin. You my even know that their career did not begin there. For this play has recently come to my attention, celebrating their theft of yet another god in the city of Port."

He holds up a bootleg printing of "Porky and Blessed."

"But what you may not know," continues Misquamacas, "is that before he ran off to steal Kamapua, this Draconic-speaking, dragon-worshiping Dragonborn was granted a private audience with the dragon god Illuyankas, who has now so dramatically vanished!"

A few in the crowd call out for Yatagan to be lynched. One demon even offers to run out and buy some rope.

"Yes, this revelation speaks for itself, does it not? Why, I hear he was even lurking around the cage of the great god Conroy, but was discouraged from shenanigans by my elite guardians!"

The crowd shout out excited curses towards Yatagan, although thankfully haven't noticed him in their midst yet.

"And these attempts to sabotage our contest are not even the worst offenses," proclaims the dark dwarf. "Allow me to present to you now, a man many of you know and love, that great man of the circus.... Mister Barnum!"

From the front of the crowd, your old friend Barnum, dressed in a bright red ringmaster's uniform, slowly climbs the stairs to the stage, relishing in the anticipation created by his slow approach. Standing behind him, Misquamacas silently mumbles in some unknown language.

"Illustrious ladies, distinguished gentlemen, and honored beings beyond gender," says Barnum, in his finest carnival barker voice, "for some years now, I had been living a life of quiet retirement in the tranquil little hamlet of Choir, making a scant living by displaying some desiccated old god bones I'd panned out of a dirty river for the entertainment of passing rubes."

The sophisticated crowd giggles aloud at the thought of such a foolish audience.

"But one day, this Dragonborn, Yatagan Fracas, arrived with his criminal conspirators Vox Cadaveris and Gepetto Jack Fagin. They had a stolen angel under one arm and weapons drawn in their others. They stole my dusty old god bones and left a trail of bodies in their wake. It was only through my own fast thinking that I was able to escape to tell the tale."

The crowd shout out some of the awful things they'd like to do to Yatagan.

"When I learned that these three professional god thieves were in town for the festival, I must admit I was curious. I came here to examine their so-called golden goddess and immediately recognized her for the fraud she is!"

With a wave of his hand, Barnum causes Lady Kommarel to glow with a purple light. Slowly, the stolen god bones are illuminated within her body. With a gesture, he brings the bones to the surface, stretching her golden skin taut, the bones painfully protruding.

"Here, for your edification, I present those very bones!"

"Fucking shit balls," yells the faux Lady Kommarel in a familiar and distinctly masculine voice. "Cut it out or I'm gonna start pissing blood!"

Fagin is especially surprised by this since he made sure to administer the usual round of drugs earlier.

"What you see before you is not the Eladrin goddess Lady Kommarel, but as I have made clear, a cheap and vulgar copy, cobbled together from my old stolen god bones and some blasphemously-wasted gold coins!"

Chants of "Cheat!" and "String 'em up!" compete in the crowd as Misquamacas pats Barnum on the back and helps him to the stairs. Barnum makes eye contact with his old enemy Fagin, raises his eye brows and smiles.

"My great judges and respected fellow festival goers" says Misquamacas, "I hope you can all see that this contest is now truly over and the only possible winner... the great and mighty Conroy!"

Then he steps down and joins Barnum at a nearby beer seller.

[I have made some some secret rolls for their oratory checks, but you can tell a lot from how riled up the crowd is.]


Last edited by gridley on Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:15 pm; edited 4 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:11 pm

Vox flips up the collar of his greatcoat and pulls his hat low. "This might be a good time to make our exit," he mutters. "Get the hell out of Hell, as it were."
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:10 pm

After watching the performance by Misquamacas and Barnum, Chakram eyes her companions with a mixture of amusement, fascination and mild sympathy. "You created a fake god and entered it in the competition? Well played, gentlemen! But now what?"

Rolzup wrote:
Vox flips up the collar of his greatcoat and pulls his hat low. "This might be a good time to make our exit," he mutters. "Get the hell out of Hell, as it were."

Chakram adds nothing to the comment, curious to see what the group will do. Despite his odd semi-possession and predilection for porcine gods, she still considers Vox the most reliable and (probably) sanest of this crew, so something makes her doubt the others will all see it his way.

OOC: Nice one, Steve. Throwing the PCs a giant curve-ball, and doing it based on their recent actions as well as the things they've done far in the past? Brilliant!
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:41 pm

shilsen wrote:
OOC: Nice one, Steve. Throwing the PCs a giant curve-ball, and doing it based on their recent actions as well as the things they've done far in the past? Brilliant!

ooc: Hehe.... thanks, pal!
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:45 pm

Rolzup wrote:
"This might be a good time to make our exit," he mutters. "Get the hell out of Hell, as it were."
"But we do not have what we came for, Mr. Cadaveris" says Yatagan, smiling a serpentine smile. "That will not do." Yatagan commands his vestments into their most elegant aspect. He truly looks the part of a knight in shining armor.

For half a minute he looks in Gepetto Jack Fagin's red devil's eyes then says, "Let's go to work."

OOC: I've been traveling all day. I'll finish this tomorrow.
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:53 pm

Mallus wrote:
For half a minute he looks in Gepetto Jack Fagin's red devil's eyes then says, "Let's go to work."

ooc: hehe... can't wait!
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:08 pm

gridley wrote:
ooc: hehe... can't wait!

OOC: Me too.

IC: Chakram nods and gives Yatagan and Fagin a supportive smile. "Best of luck. Once you get to talking, I'll work the crowd and see if I can't make them more amenable to you." And be far enough away that if things get ugly, I'll be ... well, far enough away.
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 29, 2010 8:17 am

Mallus wrote:
OOC: I've been traveling all day. I'll finish this tomorrow.

That's one loooong tomorrow Razz
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 29, 2010 2:54 pm

shilsen wrote:
Mallus wrote:
OOC: I've been traveling all day. I'll finish this tomorrow.
That's one loooong tomorrow Razz
OOC: it sure was... it lasted the entire time I spent at my mom's! Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:16 pm

"Vox, lend me a hand. Specifically, the undead one." Gravely, the paladin begins dictating.

Countess Balphaagor,
I would greatly appreciate your support over the next few minutes. Raising the city of your dreams likely depends on it.

Sincerely,
Sir Yatagan Fracas


"Now deliver this while I instruct these poor souls about values. Chakram, would you be so kind as to keep me within your influence-amplifying aura as you orbit the crowd? I could use all the help I can get. As they say in the Quadrille, tough room."

Yatagan approaches the stage leisurely in full battle-regalia. "Answer me this, Misquamacas" bellows Yatagan from the diaphragm, "When did the inhabitants of the Infernal Isles begin venerating lawfulness and good?"

The paladin pauses a moment to let that sink in.

"You speak of crime like an old woman who had her purse stolen. Have you mistaken the Emperor of the Hells for some watch-captain in the Clutch? Or worse, for someone who cares that the weak fell prey to the strong?

Yatagan smiles, hoping the blood from Countess Jae's fountain has stained his teeth.

"If Suweeginus truly valued, and feared, his customers he wouldn't have skimped on guards! We waltzed right in and right back out. To be so cavalier with the money from Hell's own elite, it boggles the mind! If anything, the diners owe us their gratitude for exposing Suweeginus's incompetence. To think, they almost made the fool rich. What demon wants that on their conscience?"

Yatagan's smile widens to the point he could swallow a cat whole.

"I see you've read my play! Splendid! Yes, we took a god. You seem to have problem with theft. Do you often think of doing the right, neigh, the moral thing? Perhaps you serve the wrong master. Or the right master badly.

Yatagan's look darkens.

"I wish I could take credit Illuyankas, but alas, I cannot. As you have said, many witnesses place me on Malsheem stealing Kamapua, after which I retired to the estate of Lady Jae. So actually you impugn his guards, the cage-maker, and, through that, the Infernal noble responsible for entering Illuyankas. Ballsy move, badmouthing an Infernal noble at the same time demanding the weak be protected. It is as if you're using a variant of the Insanity Defense in which the lawyer is insane."

The though of Misquamacas's two henchmen returns the cheer to Yatagan's scaled horrowshow of a face.

"As for this aged clown-wrangler you've produced, at least Mr. ...Barnum, is it?... shows our Infernal hosts the courtesy of lying. I've never seen him before in my life! But no matter, he soon condemns himself with limp passel of truths. Yes, my comrades took from him a fortune in magnificent bones said to be from the corpse of the Creator of All. Still miraculously intact from their plunge down the Falls of Adam and traversing nearly the entire the length of the Ossuary Flow. Also, they burnt down Barnum's house."

Addressing the crowd, the paladin asks, "Which of us acted like true citizens of Hell?"

Yatagan turns to Misquamacas. "We did not come to sabotage, rather we came practicing subterfuge. Have the beings of the Infernal Isles forgotten the meaning of the word?"

Yatagan gambles on this next bit.

"OF COURSE WE CHEATED! THIS IS A CONTEST IN HELL!"

"To do less would be an insult to everything damnation stands for." Yatagan gives Misquamacas and Barnum pointed looks. "Besides, as the old Tiefling just said, we used real god parts."

"I did not come to the Infernal Isles on a quest. I came for a wedding. But it would seem a holy cause has been thrust upon me. To prevent my mighty Adversaries from straying into the path of righteousness. This is bigger than the contest between Kommeral and Conroy, this is a battle for the values of Hell itself. What do the Infernal Isles stand for? Fairness? Fair play? Defense of the weak? Civic-mindedness? Truth?! Shall we replace her abattoirs and torture pits with upright bingo parlors and a strong social safety network?

"Or shall Hell remain a place of ambition, predation, and cunning? Only you can decide"

Yatagan looks around in triumph. Also, for place to hide.


OOC: Use Befriend + Chakram's aura, Diplomacy - 39 - can some people use Aid Another?


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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:16 pm

The member 'Mallus' has done the following action : Dice Roller

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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:40 pm

Mallus wrote:
Yatagan looks around in triumph. Also, for place to hide.


OOC: Bravo! Worst paladin ever or not, there are some things that Yatagan is just brilliant for.

Quote :
OOC: Use Befriend + Chakram's aura, Diplomacy - 39 - can some people use Aid Another?

OOC: Chakram would auto-succeed at aiding, so make that a 21.


IC: As she had intended, Chakram begins to move through the crowd around the stage. On the surface she just listens to the opinions being aired by those around it, but every once in a while she drops a comment or sometimes just a word of agreement. Though none of them express any particular allegiance or opinion, there is something in the intonation and attitude which is geared to gently push those around her to a more positive view of Yatagan's speech, or at least a reappraisal of any opposition they might have to it. The task is made easier for Chakram by her own genuine appreciation. A dragonborn paladin teaching the denizens of the Hells what appropriately diabolical behavior is - now that is a sight which thoroughly amuses Chakram. I really didn't see that coming! If the poor bastard doesn't get killed instantly, I think he's got a chance.
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:28 am

shilsen wrote:

OOC: Bravo! Worst paladin ever or not, there are some things that Yatagan is just brilliant for.
OOC: Thanks!

Quote :
A dragonborn paladin teaching the denizens of the Hells what appropriately diabolical behavior is - now that is a sight which thoroughly amuses Chakram.
OOC: Over the course of this adventure I've worked out Yatagan's philosophy of evil. The Cult of the Dragon Within preaches a gospel of Manichean self-improvement culminating in apotheosis. Therefore, evil is something you hone yourself against. It's like a whetstone. Or a trip to the gym. It's vital that evil *not* be wiped out, as it would ruin their training regimen. In fact, there's nothing prohibiting a worshiper of the Dragon Within from consorting with certain demons or devils. Though some acts are beyond the pale, like roasting the souls of elf maids and children -- so Mr. Porcupine Coat better watch out!
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:20 pm

"Remarkable," Vox whispers. And while he cannot even being to think of anything to add to such a stirring speech, he can at least do Yatigan the honor of applauding with all three available hands.

OOC: Auto succeed on his Diplomacy aid another, for whatever it's worth.
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Thu Dec 30, 2010 12:43 pm

Rolzup wrote:

OOC: Auto succeed on his Diplomacy aid another, for whatever it's worth.
OOC: Thanks... Yatagan's up to a 43 Diplomacy check!
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:21 pm

ooc: I'm gonna hold out a little on posting to give Mike a chance to add his two cents, since he has the most invested in the outcome.
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Tue Jan 04, 2011 3:04 pm

Fagin will also aid another, working the crowd as a stooge, applauding and gasping and muttering "damnation, he's right" and similar, while walking through the crowd in various disguises.

(I'll be back in a moment for Fagin's own speech.)
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:37 pm

Lizzy and Pogsley stumble out of a nearby beer tent. Lizzy, who hasn't slept for days, squints at Yatigan. Yats! he thinks. Fucking Yats! He stumbles forward, and belches out "Give 'em hell Yats! Fucking pansy ass mutherfuckers!"
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:09 pm

A slow ripple of silence spreads from the point where Gepettojack stands, after he's cleared his throat in
preparation of spreading enough bullshit to put the Augean stables to shame.

OOC: Thanks John!

Fagin surveys the crowd.

"You aught to be ashamed of yourselves! That it takes a dragonborn," he says with a sneer, "to remind you of our ancient traditions and infernal family values!"

"Of course we stole those gods! Is it not written in the evil book that, 'Blessed are the cheats, for they shall inherit the earth!' And, 'cursed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!'"

"We are not in the kingdom of heaven, my kin We are in Hell. And in Hell we practice damnation!" Fagin grins with the fevered gleam of a shitfaced pentecostal preacher. "Here in Hell we lie and cheat! We don't do good deeds, or tell the truth, or play harps with cute little dancing cupids," Fagin minces. "Here, we cheat those little winged fuckers of their inheritances, stick 'em on spikes, and laugh at their struggles!"

OOC: Fagin almost said "... and eat the flesh from their bones!" but thought that would go over poorly with the people who missed the Divine Bacon.

"Does not The G-LD command us, 'Thou shalt steal! Thou shalt bear false witness! Thou shall covet thy neighbor's ass!' Well my kin, have we not stolen? Have we not borne false witness? Have I not coveted my neighbor's ass?" Fagin sends a quick leer at his old neighbor, a dirty old tiefling like him wearing assess chaps, who blushes at Fagin's glance.

After waiting briefly for laughter, Fagin smiles.

"The ironic thing is that we went into the Eladrin temple to steal their golden goddess unfair and square, but it wasn't worth stealing!"

"We worked out how to get past the Eladrin's stupidly ornate gates, and counteract their shifty little defensive spells, skewered their foppish temple guardians, and even used some magically weaponized Aster to transform the Eladrin high priests into goblins. Into goblins!"

"And what did we get for our efforts? A cheap gold-plated tin statue covered in Eladrin glamours. Ugh. The nancy Eladrin have no golden goddess! They were jealous of our G-LD and wanted a G-LDen god of their own, so they made one up out of happiness and rainbows and other such mincing bullshit."

Fagin pauses in disgust.

"Eladrin's 'lady kommarel' was just an illusion, a Fey glamour made to fool naive elves and goblins! But we are not so naive, my kin."

"We wouldn't dare present that cheap Eladrin frippery before The One G-LD, so we dressed it up a bit. We added Real gold. And stole some Real God bones that were being... poorly used, for a back country side show.

"Now, there's currently nothing preventing the Eladrin from just creating another cheap "Lady Kammarel" glamour to fool their masses and try to lord it over Us, the True People of The G-LD."

"But," and here Fagin's eyes open wide with (faked) genuine excitement, "if We ritually sacrifice their glamour goddess, infused with the divine weight of real G-LD and the Bones of God, then we kill the very Idea of the Eladrin's "golden goddess!" And the pansy Eladrin will be stuck goddessless, weeping prettily until the end of time."

"So lets show those eladrin who the Real immortals are! Here in Hell, DAMNATION WINS!"


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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:09 pm

The member 'Atlatl Jones' has done the following action : Dice Roller

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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:12 pm

D'oh! That was supposed to be two d20 rolls, because of the Glib Limerick ritual.


Including the bonus from Fagin's Beguiling Tongue power, that's a 42 Bluff!

Can I get some Aid Another? A few well-placed Hallelujahs, and insults and grumblings about the Eladrin ought to do it. "Their horses have penises on their heads!"

Apparently Fagin went back to his Victorian roots toward the end of his speech, with Random Capitalization of important Words.


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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:12 pm

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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:49 pm

"Verily the G-LD is the root of all Evil!" shouts Yatagan.

OOC: +2 from Aid Another.

I am alone in thinking Fagin and Yatagan should run for office in Hell? On a bipartisan platform...
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 4:39 pm

Mallus wrote:
"Vox, lend me a hand. Specifically, the undead one." Gravely, the paladin begins dictating.

Countess Balphaagor,
I would greatly appreciate your support over the next few minutes. Raising the city of your dreams likely depends on it.

Sincerely,
Sir Yatagan Fracas

Dexter changes Countess to Duchess and hurries off to deliver the message.

Mallus wrote:
"Now deliver this while I instruct these poor souls about values. Chakram, would you be so kind as to keep me within your influence-amplifying aura as you orbit the crowd? I could use all the help I can get. As they say in the Quadrille, tough room."

Yatagan approaches the stage leisurely in full battle-regalia. "Answer me this, Misquamacas" bellows Yatagan from the diaphragm, "When did the inhabitants of the Infernal Isles begin venerating lawfulness and good?"

The paladin pauses a moment to let that sink in.

"You speak of crime like an old woman who had her purse stolen. Have you mistaken the Emperor of the Hells for some watch-captain in the Clutch? Or worse, for someone who cares that the weak fell prey to the strong?

Yatagan smiles, hoping the blood from Countess Jae's fountain has stained his teeth.

"If Suweeginus truly valued, and feared, his customers he wouldn't have skimped on guards! We waltzed right in and right back out. To be so cavalier with the money from Hell's own elite, it boggles the mind! If anything, the diners owe us their gratitude for exposing Suweeginus's incompetence. To think, they almost made the fool rich. What demon wants that on their conscience?"

Yatagan's smile widens to the point he could swallow a cat whole.

"I see you've read my play! Splendid! Yes, we took a god. You seem to have problem with theft. Do you often think of doing the right, neigh, the moral thing? Perhaps you serve the wrong master. Or the right master badly.

Yatagan's look darkens.

"I wish I could take credit Illuyankas, but alas, I cannot. As you have said, many witnesses place me on Malsheem stealing Kamapua, after which I retired to the estate of Lady Jae. So actually you impugn his guards, the cage-maker, and, through that, the Infernal noble responsible for entering Illuyankas. Ballsy move, badmouthing an Infernal noble at the same time demanding the weak be protected. It is as if you're using a variant of the Insanity Defense in which the lawyer is insane."

The though of Misquamacas's two henchmen returns the cheer to Yatagan's scaled horrowshow of a face.

"As for this aged clown-wrangler you've produced, at least Mr. ...Barnum, is it?... shows our Infernal hosts the courtesy of lying. I've never seen him before in my life! But no matter, he soon condemns himself with limp passel of truths. Yes, my comrades took from him a fortune in magnificent bones said to be from the corpse of the Creator of All. Still miraculously intact from their plunge down the Falls of Adam and traversing nearly the entire the length of the Ossuary Flow. Also, they burnt down Barnum's house."

Addressing the crowd, the paladin asks, "Which of us acted like true citizens of Hell?"

Yatagan turns to Misquamacas. "We did not come to sabotage, rather we came practicing subterfuge. Have the beings of the Infernal Isles forgotten the meaning of the word?"

Yatagan gambles on this next bit.

"OF COURSE WE CHEATED! THIS IS A CONTEST IN HELL!"

"To do less would be an insult to everything damnation stands for." Yatagan gives Misquamacas and Barnum pointed looks. "Besides, as the old Tiefling just said, we used real god parts."

"I did not come to the Infernal Isles on a quest. I came for a wedding. But it would seem a holy cause has been thrust upon me. To prevent my mighty Adversaries from straying into the path of righteousness. This is bigger than the contest between Kommeral and Conroy, this is a battle for the values of Hell itself. What do the Infernal Isles stand for? Fairness? Fair play? Defense of the weak? Civic-mindedness? Truth?! Shall we replace her abattoirs and torture pits with upright bingo parlors and a strong social safety network?

"Or shall Hell remain a place of ambition, predation, and cunning? Only you can decide"

Yatagan looks around in triumph. Also, for place to hide.

The audience has many reactions to Yatagan's speech. The older demons mostly laugh, amused by the whole affair. The Tieflings filling out the crowd take it much more seriously. Some continue staring daggers at Yatagan despite his fine words (in fact a few, even seem to have daggers drawn). Others however cheer him on, applauding his appeal to their own wickedness.

One old Tiefling woman yells, "You tell 'em, Scaly!" And two young men walk by the beer stand, shouting anti-Duergar epithets until Misquamacas glares them into submission and they hurry off with their tails between their legs.

Over the sound of the crowd, Yatagan hears two men talking:

"I guess it's true what they say. Honesty is the last gasp of the scoundrel."
"I've never heard that."
"Maybe they just don't say it when you're around."
"Do you think the boss' blasphemy is slipping?"
"Possible. They're both playing against type. The boss is going for the whole noble demon, jerk with a heart of gold shtick, whereas that guy's trying to pull off the lesser known villain protagonist slash tautological templar routine."
"So which one wins?"
"Usually the one who who's taller."

Atlatl Jones wrote:
A slow ripple of silence spreads from the point where Gepettojack stands, after he's cleared his throat in preparation of spreading enough bullshit to put the Augean stables to shame.

OOC: Thanks John!

Fagin surveys the crowd.

"You aught to be ashamed of yourselves! That it takes a dragonborn," he says with a sneer, "to remind you of our ancient traditions and infernal family values!"

"Of course we stole those gods! Is it not written in the evil book that, 'Blessed are the cheats, for they shall inherit the earth!' And, 'cursed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!'"

"We are not in the kingdom of heaven, my kin We are in Hell. And in Hell we practice damnation!" Fagin grins with the fevered gleam of a shitfaced pentecostal preacher. "Here in Hell we lie and cheat! We don't do good deeds, or tell the truth, or play harps with cute little dancing cupids," Fagin minces. "Here, we cheat those little winged fuckers of their inheritances, stick 'em on spikes, and laugh at their struggles!"

OOC: Fagin almost said "... and eat the flesh from their bones!" but thought that would go over poorly with the people who missed the Divine Bacon.

"Does not The G-LD command us, 'Thou shalt steal! Thou shalt bear false witness! Thou shall covet thy neighbor's ass!' Well my kin, have we not stolen? Have we not borne false witness? Have I not coveted my neighbor's ass?" Fagin sends a quick leer at his old neighbor, a dirty old tiefling like him wearing assess chaps, who blushes at Fagin's glance.

After waiting briefly for laughter, Fagin smiles.

While looking at his old neighbor, Fagin notices a middle-aged Tiefling man in front waving at him. Catching Fagin's eye, the man removes his skullcap and suddenly his face changes to that of his fiance Z'roa Pesach. She smiles and kisses a gold coin to give him luck, then puts the skullcap back in place, returning to the older man's visage. [Aid Another +2 to Fagin's bluff]

Atlatl Jones wrote:
"The ironic thing is that we went into the Eladrin temple to steal their golden goddess unfair and square, but it wasn't worth stealing!"

"We worked out how to get past the Eladrin's stupidly ornate gates, and counteract their shifty little defensive spells, skewered their foppish temple guardians, and even used some magically weaponized Aster to transform the Eladrin high priests into goblins. Into goblins!"

"And what did we get for our efforts? A cheap gold-plated tin statue covered in Eladrin glamours. Ugh. The nancy Eladrin have no golden goddess! They were jealous of our G-LD and wanted a G-LDen god of their own, so they made one up out of happiness and rainbows and other such mincing bullshit."

Fagin pauses in disgust.

"Eladrin's 'lady kommarel' was just an illusion, a Fey glamour made to fool naive elves and goblins! But we are not so naive, my kin."

"We wouldn't dare present that cheap Eladrin frippery before The One G-LD, so we dressed it up a bit. We added Real gold. And stole some Real God bones that were being... poorly used, for a back country side show.

"Now, there's currently nothing preventing the Eladrin from just creating another cheap "Lady Kammarel" glamour to fool their masses and try to lord it over Us, the True People of The G-LD."

"But," and here Fagin's eyes open wide with (faked) genuine excitement, "if We ritually sacrifice their glamour goddess, infused with the divine weight of real G-LD and the Bones of God, then we kill the very Idea of the Eladrin's "golden goddess!" And the pansy Eladrin will be stuck goddessless, weeping prettily until the end of time."

"So lets show those eladrin who the Real immortals are! Here in Hell, DAMNATION WINS!"

Building on Yatagan's success, Fagin stirs the crowd into a frenzy. There are chants of "G! L! D!" and "Damnation wins!" There's foot-stomping, howling, and even a little slam dancing.

But then a sound bellows forth from the judging stand, a mighty din that not only silences the crowd, but actually seems to push them physically aside. Those nearest clap their hands to their heads as though undergoing some awful psychic damage.

Standing up at the front of the judging stand, that horrific slime creature, Jubilex, the Faceless Lord of Phlegothos, is laughing.

His hateful red eyes glow bright as the green mucus that makes up his body jiggles with his guffaws. It is a laugh as sickening as it is joyous, as terrifying as it is contagious. The crowd echoes his pleasure with slightly fearful chortling and applause.

Behind Jubilex, Duchess Baalphagor and Lord Mayor Mammon nod at each other and smile. Still seated, Lord Graz'zt rolls his eyes and claps. Lord Demogorgon's two heads stare at each other as though perplexed by what's going on around them.

A few minutes later, the festival organizer Aedile Kinzaant, her facial tentacles swaying in time with her hips, takes to the stage to announce the results.

"The judges have spoken. By a vote of three to two, the winner is Lady Kommarel. The Pesach Family will present their false god to be sacrificed here in two days time...."

The rest of her words are lost beneath the cheering and applause of the crowd.
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   Fri Jan 07, 2011 6:02 pm

Chakram, who has been having a very hard time keeping a straight face through all of this, grins from ear to ear as the decision is announced. She then bows flamboyantly in the direction of Yatagan and Fagin. They're utterly full of shit - but brilliant at it! This gets more and more interesting! And possibly very profitable.

As she straightens, her gaze catches Lizzy and she throws him a grin and a wink. But I'll have to watch that one! And the stupid goblin with the ... lever or whatever it is. Despite the pleased expression on her face, she casts a casual glance around, just in case Poggsley is sneaking up on her.

OOC: Brilliant! When life gives you lemons, you guys convert them to lemonade, lace it with cyanide, and feed it to hundreds of unsuspecting people. Or something.
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PostSubject: Re: The Best Laid Plans   

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The Best Laid Plans
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