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 a deal with the devils

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Rolzup

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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Wed May 05, 2010 10:18 pm

The Porcophant bows to Hob, as does his Spirit Pig...which, it seems, has mastered the art of bipedal locomotion. "Is hideous little man of principle, and Pætros is respecting that. Will not be pressing to betray confidence, as would be terrible, terrible wrong. But feel obliged to have been saying one thing."

He takes a step forward, spreading his arms wide.

"Glorious Treasure of Heaven," Pætros notes gently, "Is welcoming goddess. Understands problems of common folk, not afraid to get dirty, not too proud to be eating garbage. Really, is preferring it, Pætros thinks. Is fierce in defense of childrens."

He steps back, bows again. "Am not here to preach," he lies, "But am to be speaking truth when is seeing it. Glorious Treasure of Heavens is to being here for goblins, and is being sin not to say this."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 12:08 am

Rolzup wrote:
The Porcophant bows to Hob, as does his Spirit Pig...which, it seems, has mastered the art of bipedal locomotion. "Is hideous little man of principle, and Pætros is respecting that. Will not be pressing to betray confidence, as would be terrible, terrible wrong. But feel obliged to have been saying one thing."

He takes a step forward, spreading his arms wide.

"Glorious Treasure of Heaven," Pætros notes gently, "Is welcoming goddess. Understands problems of common folk, not afraid to get dirty, not too proud to be eating garbage. Really, is preferring it, Pætros thinks. Is fierce in defense of childrens."

He steps back, bows again. "Am not here to preach," he lies, "But am to be speaking truth when is seeing it. Glorious Treasure of Heavens is to being here for goblins, and is being sin not to say this."

"Thank you, Pontiff," he says. "Your religion has been of comfort to quite a few of our citizens. I have frequently seen a line of people waiting to get into the church you opened up around the corner."
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Mallus

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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 8:07 am

gridley wrote:
I have frequently seen a line of people waiting to get into the church you opened up around the corner."
"A line you say? Splendid!" exclaims Yatagan. "Pætros, when did we open a church around the corner? I should be kept informed of these things. I am the Apostle, you know. Never know when I might need to pen one of our churches a stern letter, if they should start getting all wayward."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 9:45 am

Pætros goes very still, and very silent. The spirit-pig, which has collapsed at his feet, lets out a despairing wail that sets the windows to quivering.

His knuckles have gone white around his staff, and the wood begins to weep tears of blood.

"Around corner, you say?" the Porcophant manages at last. "Must be leaving now, pay visit. Speak to priest, regarding certain matters." The spirit-pig struggles to its feet, and opens its mouth to display a set of very unporcine fangs, as well as a long tongue that appears to have the head of a serpent.

Pætros turns his glare to Yatigan, and speaks through clenched teeth. "Am coming with, Dragon-Pervert? May be needing assistance in correcting doctrinal errors."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 9:59 am

Rolzup wrote:

Pætros turns his glare to Yatigan, and speaks through clenched teeth. "Am coming with, Dragon-Pervert? May be needing assistance in correcting doctrinal errors."
"Absolutely, your holiness" says Yatagan. He fits his terrifying iron helm over his moderately less-terrifying head. "We must nip this in the bud. We can't be having errors before the ink's dry on the doctrine."

The Dragonborn bows deeply to Hob. "Gods willing, we'll return swiftly, bearing the gift of divine visitation."

Before Yatagan steps through the door, he turns back to Hob and says, "Maybe there is something you can do for us... I heard the lovely and thunderous cacophony of your Engine of Truth rolling out your newspaper the moment we walked in. You wouldn't happen to know of any for sale in the Port? We're in the market."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 10:21 am

Mallus wrote:
"Maybe there is something you can do for us... I heard the lovely and thunderous cacophony of your Engine of Truth rolling out your newspaper the moment we walked in. You wouldn't happen to know of any for sale in the Port? We're in the market."

"I'll put you in touch with my son Brinjin," says Gadrun. "He's a real whiz kid with these old Dragonborn contraptions. I'm sure you could hire him to whip something up for you."

-----------------------------------

The Porcophant and the Dragon-Pervert (and any others accompanying them) hurry down to the street. They see a crowd gradually dispersing from where a giant crab has been flipped over onto its back. Although it's claws and legs are still grasping at the air, a dog and a baby--both covered with torn ropes and bleeding wounds--have managed to pry open its chest and are digging through its intestinal track to pull out huge chunks of raw crab meat which they are happily gorging themselves on.

They dash around the corner where they immediately see a line of about ten goblins disappearing into an alley. A bored-looking goblin stands at the opening, ringing a bell and propping up a very large sign that reads "Sea glooryiis Trezhoor of Hevinn! Gahd of Pigz! Ownly 1 cohppper!"
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 10:43 am

gridley wrote:
"He's a real whiz kid with these old Dragonborn contraptions. I'm sure you could hire him to whip something up for you."
"Excellent!" says a fat and happy Yatagan. "I wonder if he could make me one of those skinny metal butlers?"

Quote :
"...a dog and a baby--both covered with torn ropes and bleeding wounds--have managed to pry open its chest and are digging through its intestinal track to pull out huge chunks of raw crab meat which they are happily gorging themselves on."
"Attend!" bellows Yatagan at the crowd. "I give you a miracle of Treasure!" He bounds over to the baby tied to the dog and heals them (OOC: use Lay on Hands). He then pushes his helm up, flicks out his serpentine tongue, and lassos a morsel of fresh crab. "Hmmm, needs butter."

Quote :
A bored-looking goblin stands at the opening, ringing a bell and propping up a very large sign that reads "Sea glooryiis Trezhoor of Hevinn! Gahd of Pigz! Ownly 1 cohppper!"
"Treasure is not the 'God of Pigs', you blasphemous dolt! She is a pig, yes, but she's the Goddess of all who desire succor and sustenance!" Flecks of toxic saliva fly through the grill of Yatagan's helm into the goblin's face. "I am the Apostle Yatagan! Elder and Knight of the First Church of Treasure. Explain yourself or taste my justice!"

OOC: Intimidate: 21 - damnit...

BTW - 'Taste My Justice' is going to be the name of Yatagan's weekly column. He thinks it's self-defense advice, every else thinks differently.


Last edited by Mallus on Thu May 06, 2010 11:02 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 10:46 am

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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 10:46 am

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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 11:00 am

gridley wrote:
The Porcophant and the Dragon-Pervert (and any others accompanying them) hurry down to the street.

Artichoke makes a step towards the door, but then catches himself. They can't get into too much trouble, right? Instead of leaving, he says to Hob, "I understand your reticence, and if you're certain the people who came to you couldn't be the god-nappers, I believe you. Do you perchance have the slightest idea who might actually be involved in the theft?"

Quote :
They dash around the corner where they immediately see a line of about ten goblins disappearing into an alley. A bored-looking goblin stands at the opening, ringing a bell and propping up a very large sign that reads "Sea glooryiis Trezhoor of Hevinn! Gahd of Pigz! Ownly 1 cohppper!"

OOC: Ah, this is going to be good!
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 11:35 am

shilsen wrote:
Artichoke makes a step towards the door, but then catches himself. They can't get into too much trouble, right? Instead of leaving, he says to Hob, "I understand your reticence, and if you're certain the people who came to you couldn't be the god-nappers, I believe you. Do you perchance have the slightest idea who might actually be involved in the theft?"

"Well," says Gadrun, "call me paranoid, but my money's on the Eladrin themselves. See, after years of sitting on his damn ass when it comes to Boss-Lady Fixer, I hear that Magistrate Distaff is close to opening up a formal hearing on the matter. I doubt anything much will come of it, but I wouldn't it put it past those Eladrin chickenshits to get scared and steal their own goddess, scream bloody murder to throw the magistrates in our direction, and then ship Her back to the Blessed Isles under cover of night. I sent some reporters to snoop around at the docks, but if they're smart She's probably already long gone."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 11:47 am

Mallus wrote:
"Excellent!" says a fat and happy Yatagan. "I wonder if he could make me one of those skinny metal butlers?"

"Could be," says Gadrun, scribbling down an address that Yatagan recognizes as near the university campus.

Mallus wrote:
"Attend!" bellows Yatagan at the crowd. "I give you a miracle of Treasure!" He bounds over to the baby tied to the dog and heals them (OOC: use Lay on Hands). He then pushes his helm up, flicks out his serpentine tongue, and lassos a morsel of fresh crab. "Hmmm, needs butter."

The goblins ooh and ahh at the miracle. The baby and the dog mostly just growl at Yatagan for stealing some of their food. A few of the more awestruck goblins follow Yatagan to the alley.

Mallus wrote:
"Treasure is not the 'God of Pigs', you blasphemous dolt! She is a pig, yes, but she's the Goddess of all who desire succor and sustenance!" Flecks of toxic saliva fly through the grill of Yatagan's helm into the goblin's face. "I am the Apostle Yatagan! Elder and Knight of the First Church of Treasure. Explain yourself or taste my justice!"

[i]OOC: Intimidate: 21 - damnit...

The goblin doesn't seem particularly intimidated, but immediately assumes a subservient manner nonetheless. "Hey, hey, no need to get hot under the collar, boss. We can fix the sign! It's no fuss! Say, you want to see the show, boss? For free like?"
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 12:25 pm

"For free?" Pætros explodes, having finally found his voice once more. "Free? Is great price, little man, and will be taking from your hide! You dare blaspheme the most holy Glorious Treasure of Heaven?"

He stalks forward, eyes fixed upon the barker. "Is to be explaining, now. Or soul is to being used in ways is being too terrible to say in front of small childrens." While the last words are hissed, they neverthless carry throughout the street.

OOC: Intimidate, using Shroud of Awe....for a total of 33.


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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 12:25 pm

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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 12:37 pm

Rolzup wrote:
"For free?" Pætros explodes, having finally found his voice once more. "Free? Is great price, little man, and will be taking from your hide! You dare blaspheme the most holy Glorious Treasure of Heaven?"

He stalks forward, eyes fixed upon the barker. "Is to be explaining, now. Or soul is to being used in ways is being too terrible to say in front of small childrens." While the last words are hissed, they neverthless carry throughout the street.

OOC: Intimidate, using Shroud of Awe....for a total of 33.

The barker swallows hard and drops to his knees in front of the Porcophant. "I'm sorry, boss, me and Oiba just wanted to... like... bring the faith of Treasure to Goblintown... and... well... you know... make a little coin in the process."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 1:31 pm

Even Yatagan takes a step back, awed indeed by exactly how loud his Pontiff, err, Porktiff, can be when he sets his mind to it. When he recovers he addresses the prostrate goblin.

"A little coin? You're not exactly endearing yourself to His Holiness with that kind of thinking. Still, you are not beyond saving..."

"Holy Porcophant, I believe it's parable time. Specifically, the Slow-Roasting of False Idols. Let us, meaning them --he jerks a gauntlet at the goblin-- dig a pit, make their false pig a sacrifice unto the True Treasure of Heaven, turn its carcass upon Spit of Redemption, over the Coals of Righteous Indignation, then feed yonder depraved crowd with its sanctified and succulent flesh."

Yatagan then looks upon the barker with kindness, which is entirely wasted given he's wearing an iron skull helm.

"If you play your cards right, we won't render your skin into cracklin. And perhaps we can set you up with a proper Church of Treasure, once good Mr. Fagin draws up a tithing contract."

OOC: this is so going in Yatagan's First Letter to the Shambles.
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 2:12 pm

Mallus wrote:
"Holy Porcophant, I believe it's parable time. Specifically, the Slow-Roasting of False Idols. Let us, meaning them --he jerks a gauntlet at the goblin-- dig a pit, make their false pig a sacrifice unto the True Treasure of Heaven, turn its carcass upon Spit of Redemption, over the Coals of Righteous Indignation, then feed yonder depraved crowd with its sanctified and succulent flesh."

"B-b-but... is talented pig! You should see his act!"
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 2:26 pm

Pætros shakes his head sadly. "How can be saying, 'Brother, be giving to me the penny that is being in your pocket,' when you is being having such large purse in OWN pocket? Is hypocrisy. But!" The Porcophant draws himself up. "All is not being lost. For the loving of money is being the root of all enterprise, and men who is being reasonable can come to accords without the being set on fires.

"Bring us to boss. Show us pig. And we is to be talking, before is to be smiting."

He steps back, motions to Yatigan. "Is not heresy," he says softly, "Is scam. And scam is being sacrament, not sin. And is useful, having voice here, yes? We talk, we make to be understanding."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 2:43 pm

Rolzup wrote:
"Is not heresy," he says softly, "Is scam. And scam is being sacrament, not sin. And is useful, having voice here, yes? We talk, we make to be understanding."
"As you say, Holy Father" says replies Yatagan quietly. "I live to learn. Let me know if and when it becomes right to smear justice upon them."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 2:46 pm

Rolzup wrote:
Pætros shakes his head sadly. "How can be saying, 'Brother, be giving to me the penny that is being in your pocket,' when you is being having such large purse in OWN pocket? Is hypocrisy. But!" The Porcophant draws himself up. "All is not being lost. For the loving of money is being the root of all enterprise, and men who is being reasonable can come to accords without the being set on fires.

"Bring us to boss. Show us pig. And we is to be talking, before is to be smiting."

He steps back, motions to Yatigan. "Is not heresy," he says softly, "Is scam. And scam is being sacrament, not sin. And is useful, having voice here, yes? We talk, we make to be understanding."

"Oh, thank you, holy boss," says the barker. He leads Yatagan and Paetros up to a shoddy wall constructed out of nailed together crates, which is covered in haphazardly-placed peepholes. He pushes the assembled goblins out of the way, saying "Show over! Make way for bosses!"

He invites his new bosses to gaze through the holes and then yells, "Start the show over!"

As they peer inside, they see a poorly painted backdrop of a blue sky and a sunny day. Two crude pink marionettes, possibly made of ham, traipse through, saying "La la la, we are two rich people! Aren't we nice and pretty and good!" A wooden marionette, painted goblin green descends. "Ew! A stinky goblin!" say the hammier-looking puppets, "Get away from us, awful goblin! We are rich!"

Suddenly, there is the sound of thunder and a living piglet is lowered down, straining uncomfortably at the strings wrapped around its belly. As soon as it is lowered into reach of them, the piglet eats the snooty rich people in a gruesome display of carnage that leaves parts of their faces and clothing stuck to its snout. Once done, the piglet is levitated, still licking its chops, back up to the skies. The goblin puppet takes center stage and says, "Oh thank you, glorious Treasure of Heaven! The end!"

The barker yells, "Okay, Oiba, come on out now! Bosses want to talk!"

A minute or two later, another goblin runs out, smiling and smoothing down his greasy hair.

They both look at the Porcophant and the Dragon-Pervert, smiling their best gap-toothed smiles.
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 3:06 pm

Unable to contain himself, Yatagan claps like a happy child. Sounds resembling a busy day at an ironworks reverberate through the alley.

"Bravo!" he exclaims through the grill of his iron helm. "I know it was crude, Pætros. But powerful in it's primitiveness. Almost pure" he burbles. "Surely, the production values were non-existent --though making the puppets out of ham was a stroke of genius-- still, I was moved. Moved to tears of joy. Which you can't see, can you? Nevertheless, this is good stuff!"

After a minute or so he calms down, remembering he's here in the capacity of church elder and possible dispenser of stern rebuke.
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 3:27 pm

Mallus wrote:
Unable to contain himself, Yatagan claps like a happy child. Sounds resembling a busy day at an ironworks reverberate through the alley.

"Bravo!" he exclaims through the grill of his iron helm. "I know it was crude, Pætros. But powerful in it's primitiveness. Almost pure" he burbles. "Surely, the production values were non-existent --though making the puppets out of ham was a stroke of genius-- still, I was moved. Moved to tears of joy. Which you can't see, can you? Nevertheless, this is good stuff!"

"Was beautiful," Pætros whispers. "Am no poet, have not words. But is being pure, yes. Cuts straight to heart of doctrine. Piglet could perhaps is being painted gold, but no matter!"

He bows to Oiba, as does, once again, the spirit-pig. "Glorious Treasure of Heavens is being speaking through you. And piglet." The Porcophant wags a finger at him, "Is should to have been speaking to us first, but zealousness is not being sin when pig-god is being speaking. You is to be apostle, is being very clear."
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 3:54 pm

Mallus wrote:
Unable to contain himself, Yatagan claps like a happy child. Sounds resembling a busy day at an ironworks reverberate through the alley.

"Bravo!" he exclaims through the grill of his iron helm. "I know it was crude, Pætros. But powerful in it's primitiveness. Almost pure" he burbles. "Surely, the production values were non-existent --though making the puppets out of ham was a stroke of genius-- still, I was moved. Moved to tears of joy. Which you can't see, can you? Nevertheless, this is good stuff!"

After a minute or so he calms down, remembering he's here in the capacity of church elder and possible dispenser of stern rebuke.

Oiba and the barker, who introduces himself as Skrik, grin from ear to ear at the praise and then cast their hopeful eyes to the Pontiff.

Rolzup wrote:
"Was beautiful," Pætros whispers. "Am no poet, have not words. But is being pure, yes. Cuts straight to heart of doctrine. Piglet could perhaps is being painted gold, but no matter!"

He bows to Oiba, as does, once again, the spirit-pig. "Glorious Treasure of Heavens is being speaking through you. And piglet." The Porcophant wags a finger at him, "Is should to have been speaking to us first, but zealousness is not being sin when pig-god is being speaking. You is to be apostle, is being very clear."

Oiba and Skrik bounce up and down with joy. Oiba hands the piglet over to Skrik and then bows to kiss the Porcophant's ring. Skrik promises to paint the piglet gold as long as it lets him.
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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 3:59 pm

Rolzup wrote:
You is to be apostle, is being very clear."
Yatagan kneels down and says heartily, "Welcome, brothers!" The Dragonborn fumbles in his belt pouch, looking for something to anoint with, eventually producing a small flask of Pernod. He dabs a copious amount on the goblin's faces before offering them a swig. Next he elevates them --literally-- seating one on each shoulder.

"We shall announce you to Goblintown, Apostles Oiba and Skrik! Singing songs of praise, fortune, and future reprisals! Then you shall place holy fireworks in the Porchphant's hat and write your names upon the heavens with colorful explosions! I simply adore explosions!"


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PostSubject: Re: a deal with the devils   Thu May 06, 2010 4:00 pm

gridley wrote:
"Well," says Gadrun, "call me paranoid, but my money's on the Eladrin themselves. See, after years of sitting on his damn ass when it comes to Boss-Lady Fixer, I hear that Magistrate Distaff is close to opening up a formal hearing on the matter. I doubt anything much will come of it, but I wouldn't it put it past those Eladrin chickenshits to get scared and steal their own goddess, scream bloody murder to throw the magistrates in our direction, and then ship Her back to the Blessed Isles under cover of night. I sent some reporters to snoop around at the docks, but if they're smart She's probably already long gone."

"Really?" If they lied to us, things get a lot more complicated - but perhaps easier in some ways. Artichoke makes a small bow. "Thank you for the information, Mr. Hob. It's been a pleasure to meet you. Please let me know if we can help you in future. We've ... generally ... had positive experiences working with your people. And, of course, If you happen to gain any information in the future that might aid us with recovering Boss-Lady Fixer, I'd be very grateful to hear of it."

Unless Hob adds anything new, Artichoke takes his leave and proceeds in the wake of Pætros and Yatagan, moving with no haste whatsoever. While mildly surprised that he can't hear screams and explosions, he loosens his sword in its sheath, just in case.
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